At The End
by anamoly
Summary: Aaron makes a drastic choice, can Jackson save him and himself?
1. Chapter 1

To say he was worried was an understatement; Jackson had never seen Aaron so distraught. That's not even the best way to describe it, depression didn't sound right either. He seemed as if his life had been stolen away from him, he had no spark anymore and that was down to him. He couldn't make Aaron understand how he was feeling, how living life in a shell of a body was slowly killing him. He tried, more than once, but it didn't work...nothing would make Aaron understand. He'd become so withdrawn since his return from Whitby, he was there physically but mentally, emotionally he was gone. Hazel had been worrying about him as well, Paddy and Chas too, but he wouldn't open up. He kept bottling everything up, constantly on the verge of tears or exploding in anger. Paddy told him the last time he was like this was before he tried to kill himself, the thought alone made Jackson's blood run cold. He did this, he pushed him this far, he would never forgive himself for that.

Aaron had been up and out the door well before Jackson stirred. He went to the garage to talk, to check on him, but he wasn't there. Debbie said she hadn't seen him all day. Typical Aaron, doing a runner when he can't deal with things. He checked the Woolie, the cricket pavilion, everywhere he could think of. His mind was doing double time; thinking of what he could get up to, what trouble he could get into.

He was on his way back to Dale Head, hoping beyond hope that Aaron was waiting for him, when Adam stopped him. He tried to get away, wanting to get back home as quickly as possible.

"What's happened between you and Aaron?" Adam asked, skipping all formalities.

"What you on about?" Jackson asked puzzled.

"I saw Aaron this morning, heading past the garage. He was in a right state mate, didn't even hear me call after him. He...he had this look about him, scared me. I've not seen him look like that in ages. The last time was after he..." He left the sentencing hanging; Jackson nodded his head in acknowledgement.

He didn't even say goodbye to Adam as he directed his chair past the garage, not having a clue where he was going, all he knew was that he had to find Aaron. He couldn't lose him now, not like this.

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><p>"Aaron?" Jackson called, slowly approaching the bridge overlooking the small river. His heart was pounding in his chest as he watched Aaron perched on the railing, leaning over the edge too far for his liking.<p>

"How'd you find me?" The words seemed to exert far too much effort, as if the act of speaking completely drained him. Jackson could tell by looking at him, at the dark circles under his eyes, the slight slouch in his shoulders, that he was exhausted. Not just physically exhausted, but exhausted in every sense of the word.

"Adam," he cleared his throat, the words getting trapped as his throat constricted with too many feelings...sadness, despair, panic, anything and everything all at once. He wanted to have a go, yell at him for making him worry, but once he laid eyes on him he couldn't. He could barely speak at all now.

"What do you want?"

"I was worried," his voice hiding all the underlying emotions, he sounded calm to his own ears. "You were gone when I woke up, then I couldn't find you around the village. I just needed to know you were alright."

Aaron let out a strangled laugh, how could he possibly be alright?

"What are you doing up here?"

"Thinking." Aaron answered flatly.

"About...about what?" Why did he ask that? He didn't want to know! He already felt like his heart was in a vice.

"Do you really want to know?"

"Of course."

"Jumping."

Jackson was taken aback, he never for one minute thought Aaron would say that. He didn't know what to say.

"Aaron..."

"Don't, just don't."

"You can't mean that!"

"Why not?" Aaron turned to look at him, his body shifting on the thin railing, his right leg dangling over the side of the bridge. Jackson's already racing heart seemed to have gained speed; he never knew a heart could beat so rapidly.

Aaron was waiting on an answer, watching him as he tried to think of a valid reason. What could he say to him? What could he possibly say when he wanted to end his own life, when he was the reason for Aaron wanting to end his.

"Why can't I mean it Jackson? Tell me! I know, because I have my whole life ahead of me. I have me friends and family, people who love me, people who will help me move on with my life after you're..." He couldn't bring himself to say the words; he wouldn't say them not ever.

Jackson could only nod, not able to find his voice as he stared at his broken lover. He would give anything to get up from this damned chair and taken him in his arms. Hold him until the pain melted away. This chair! The root of all his problems! H could feel a small sliver of anger working its way inside him, just enough to lend fuel to the fire, to shake him out of his stupor.

"You do have all that, and more! You're 19, you can't give up now. I need you to live Aaron!"

"I don't want to live! Don't you get that? I can't live without you! I told you that I need you here with me because I can't do this on me own. I won't go on without you! You are my life Jackson, whether you want to be or not. If you go, I go."

"Is this a guilt trip or blackmail? Your sneaky little way of getting me to change my mind? Cause it ain't gonna work!"

What little life that was left in Aaron came rushing out, Jackson hadn't meant to yell at him or say such harsh things, he just wanted to make him understand that he has too much to live for.

"Aaron, I'm sorry...I didn't mean that."

"You did. You think that once you're gone I'm just going to move on with my life, that I'm going to go to Bar West and find your replacement? You don't get it."

"Then tell me! Tell me what you want!"

"I WANT YOU!"

"You've got me!"

"For how long eh? A week? A month? I want you forever Jackson!"

"I'll always be with you, no matter what."

"Don't! Don't say that." He turned away from Jackson as the tears started falling down his cheeks; his will to live was gone now. "I've been so stupid. Thinking that I could get you through this, that I could save you. You didn't want to be saved though did you? All I wanted was for us to have a normal life, but you never gave me the chance. Everything had to be on your terms. I wanted to get married, thought about asking you in Whitby. Had it all planned out. It was going to be on the last day, up at the Abbey, but then...then you said what you said. I've never felt anything as painful as that."

"As...As painful as what?"

"As painful as my heart breaking. I dreamed up this life we could have; what our wedding would be like, the honeymoon, a place of our own. I even thought about what our kids would look like if we were to have any...but now, now I can't picture any of it. So I tried to picture life without you, but I couldn't. That's when I realised I couldn't go on."

"Aaron, please, I need you with me!"

"No, no you don't. You have your mum, you don't need me. I can't do this anymore."

"What are you saying? Are you dumping me?"

"I'll always be with you, no matter what," He repeated Jackson's phrase as he stood, balancing precariously on the edge of the bridge.

"Aaron, don't!"

"I love you Jackson, I always will."

"AARON!"


	2. Chapter 2

_Thanks so much for all the reviews. I've had this stuck in my head for days and had to get it out, glad you're enjoying it! –a_

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><p>"Just tell me you love me, and then let me go."<p>

"I can't, I won't. You can't do this, I need you!"

"I need you too, but we don't always get what we want eh?"

"What about Paddy? Your mum?"

"I left a note for Paddy. Just look out for him yeah? At least until...you know."

"Aaron please! I'll do anything!"

"No you won't mate, we both know that. You know what I want, well what I wanted. This is what I want now. I just need it to be over."

"If you love me at all you won't do this."

A small laugh escaped Aaron's lips; he ran one hand through his hair, the other still gripping the railing. Jackson's breathing stopped momentarily as he saw Aaron let go.

"If I love you at all I won't do this? Did you honestly just say that? Love isn't everything Jackson, you've shown me that."

"Yes it is! Please, just come here. We'll have that talk you've been wanting to have. Please." He was begging now, he didn't care; he needed Aaron more than anything.

"What's the point? Not like it will change your mind. You've made it perfectly clear that nothing will stop you from...from killing yourself." His voice broke, he tried hard to stay strong but now, at the end, he couldn't.

"Why are you doing this to me? Haven't I been through enough? Getting hit by a train wasn't enough for ya, now you want to break my heart?"

"This isn't about you...well it is, but it's my decision. I'm not trying to hurt you Jackson, really I'm not, but I can't go on like this anymore. I'm terrified of living without you, terrified of what I might do to Paddy, strangers, myself. I'm sorry, but I have to do this."

"That's the first time you've ever admitted you were scared. The first time you've ever fully dropped those walls you have built up. I never thought I would see that."

"Just try and remember the good times yeah? I know I didn't make things easy, and there aren't that many, but just remember them. Think about Lanzarotte or Whitby even, how nice it was. Tell Paddy I love him, me mum too."

Aaron looked down at the river below, he let out a shaky breath as he let go of the railing. He held his arms out to his sides, feeling the wind blow past his face. He felt free, for the first time in a long time, all his cares and worries were gone. Jackson couldn't believe what he was seeing; he was sat there in his chair about to watch the love of his life jump to his death. He couldn't breathe, couldn't think. He needed to stop this; he had never felt so useless in his life. There was only one thing Aaron wanted from him, one thing he hadn't been willing to give...he wanted him to live, but he didn't have the strength to live. Not how he had been, dependent on everyone for every little thing. Could he do it for Aaron? Could he live for the next 50 or so years in complete isolation if that meant he got to live with Aaron?

"I love you Aaron."

Aaron turned to look at him one last time, a smile of genuine happiness playing across his face. It brought tears to Jackson's eyes; the first real moment of happiness that Aaron had had in months was because he was ending his life. What did that say about him? What kind of person could drive a person to such lengths and not do anything to stop them?

"Goodbye Jackson." Aaron said before turning his attention back to the river.

"I'll do it!" Jackson spoke with a feverish determination. "I'll go to counselling, rehab, anywhere I promise, just please don't jump!"

"Please don't make promises you won't keep."

"I'm not," Jackson pleaded, his whole body shaking through his tears, tears that he had no chance of stopping. "I'm not! I'll do anything! I swear Aaron; I'll do anything for you. I can't watch you do this, I can't lose you. Now I know what you've been feeling, how _I've_ made you feel. I'm so sorry Aaron! I never meant to cause you so much pain! You can call a therapist when we get back, just please come down."

"So what, you'll go for one session, get bored of it, and never go again? Then we'll be back in the same place, we'll both be miserable."

"No," Jackson was reeling, he couldn't think of what to say to change Aaron's mind. He needed to be strong, level-headed, but he couldn't. Aaron had this eerie calmness about him, it was scary to witness, how could he be so calm?

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><p>"Paddy," Hazel called as she trudged up the hill towards Smithy Cottage. The vet turned with a smile, it faltered as he saw her. She had lost a lot of weight, looked like she hadn't slept in days, and that zest for life she usually had was gone. "Have you seen Jackson? I thought he might be here with Aaron."<p>

"No, I haven't. You should try the garage; he's probably with Aaron there or the Woolie."

"I've looked everywhere. Debbie said Aaron didn't show up today, Jackson and Chas had been looking for him."

The colour drained from Paddy's face, he could tell something wasn't quite right with Aaron recently and after talking with Jackson he was more worried than ever. It frustrated him how Aaron bottled everything, they'd been down this road before and the outcome was an almost successful suicide attempt.

"What? What's wrong?"

"Sorry, it's just...Aaron's not seemed himself lately, I told Jackson the last time I saw him like this was the day he tried to kill himself, and now no one knows where he is. I'm scared he might do something."

"He wouldn't, he wouldn't leave Jackson. He loves him."

"Yeah, but something has him in bits. I'm going to go look for him. Do you want to join me?"

"Paddy, Hazel," Adam called, jogging up from the Woolpack. "How's Aaron? Jackson find him?"

"You saw him?" Paddy asked urgently.

"Yeah, early this morning. He didn't look right. Jackson went after him, thought they'd be back by now."

"Where are they? Which way did they go?"

"Past the garage, towards the river. What's going on? You don't think he'd..." Adam asked worry etched on his face.

They all set off running down the hill, hoping to get to Aaron and Jackson before something bad happened.

"Where's the fire?" Chas yelled out as they rushed past, smiling as she started clearing one of the outdoor tables.

"Aaron," Paddy yelled in his haste to find the younger man.

Chas dropped the glasses she was holding, shock settling into every fibre of her body. She took off after them, running as fast as her 4 inch heels would carry her. She didn't stop when she heard Cain call out; she had to get to her son. She could hear the heavy foot falls behind her, she knew Cain was there.

They seemed to be running forever, no one knew where to go, they just headed towards the river, led by nothing but blind faith. Once closer to the river they heard Jackson talking, pleading with Aaron, they moved even faster now.

"Aaron please, I'm begging you, please don't do this." Jackson watched in horror as Aaron started to step off the bridge, his heart stopped, and he could barely see through his tears. He couldn't watch this; he shut his eyes as tightly as possible, pushing out more tears as he did so. He had just killed the most important person in his life.


	3. Chapter 3

_Thanks again for all the reviews! Sorry about the cliff hanger ending, just seemed the best place to end it. Hope you like this one! a_

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><p>"GET OFF ME!" Aaron yelled. Jackson opened his eyes to see Adam and Cain pulling Aaron back to safety. His heart started beating again, the breath he didn't know he was holding was released. He had never felt such relief.<p>

"I said get off me!" Aaron yelled again, fighting against Cain and Adam, fighting for freedom. They let go once he was on the ground, he fell to his knees as sobs wracked his body. Everyone looked on as Aaron completely shattered before them; he was curled in on himself, crying so hard his whole body shook. No one said anything, just stood watching in horror as Aaron finally released months of frustration.

He was angry now, he wanted to hit something. He composed himself slightly, enough to sit up. He stared at everyone around him, the anger growing as he looked at the tear stained faces in front of him.

"Aaron," Jackson whispered, moving his chair closer to his boyfriend.

"STOP! DON'T COME NEAR ME! DON'T ANY OF YOU COME NEAR ME! WHY DID YOU DO THAT? WHY DID YOU STOP ME?" He shouted looking to Adam and Cain, giving them a look that could kill.

"What are you playing at?" Cain asked. He wanted it to sound harsh, but it didn't, it was pure worry.

"I can't do this anymore! I can't go on pretending that everything is fine, that I'm fine! I don't want to!"

"Aaron, please, just come home...we'll talk." Jackson said, daring to move his chair a little closer.

"I don't want to talk! I don't want to feel! I JUST WANT IT ALL TO END! I WANT TO DIE!"

"No! You don't mean that! Look around you Aaron, all these people love you and want to help. I love you."

"If you love me then why do you want to leave me? Why am I not enough for you? Why?" He broke down again, the tears of pain and sadness from the last few months overflowing. His arms clutched his sides as he doubled over, gasping for air through his cries. No one around him spoke, they looked on in shock as the hard man act melted away, leaving a truly innocent, scared little boy in front of them.

"You are enough, Aaron."

"Don't lie to me," He whispered, barely audible through his sadness. "Everyone leaves me. I can't do it anymore."

Jackson moved his chair closer to Aaron, what he wouldn't do to reach out and touch him. He wanted to tell him he would never leave him, but that would be a lie. Aaron would see through it, he would tell everyone what he had planned.

"Let's go home, I'm not going anywhere...not yet."

"But you will! Nothing will change your mind, those were your words. I can't sit by and pretend like everything is alright. I can't listen to you and Hazel talk about..." He looked up into Jackson's eyes; saw him silently pleading with him to say nothing. Jackson was shaking his head slightly, willing Aaron to stop talking.

"I'm not coping now, how do you think I will be after...after you kill yourself." Jackson shut his eyes tightly, hoping to block out the world. He could hear Paddy asking Hazel what was going on, he wanted to shut everything out. Aaron had just told them everything, what the hell did he do now?

"Aaron love, you're not making any sense," Chas stepped forward, crouching down to Aaron's level. "Jackson's still here, he's fine. Look at him, he's fine."

Aaron slowly looked up, his once sparkling blue eyes meeting Jackson's deep brown, he could see the betrayal in his eyes...but there was something else he couldn't quite figure out.

"No, no he isn't." He said, wiping some of his tears away. "Are you? He's depressed, he's pretending everything is alright, but they aren't. They haven't been for months." He was still holding Jackson's gaze, it broke his heart to see the look in his eyes, to see the hurt, but he couldn't stop now. He would do anything to save him.

"I'm sorry," he mouthed to Jackson. He turned his head, not able to watch what was about to happen.

"Hazel is going to help him; he thinks it's the only way."

"What is the only way? What are you on about?" Chas had her brow furrowed in confusion, she heard what he was saying, but it made no sense. It sounded like Jackson was the one that wanted to die, not Aaron. "Are you saying Jackson wants to kill himself?"

Aaron didn't speak, but the loud sob that erupted from him was answer enough. Chas stroked his hair, not daring to pull him into a hug, not right now. She looked at Jackson, his head was cast downwards, eyes closed. She could see the tears falling onto his shirt, in that moment she knew it was true.

"Come on lad, let's get you home," Cain said taking charge. He put his arms on Aaron's, pulling him to his feet. He was unsteady, the whole world felt like it stopped moving or was spinning at a high speed, he couldn't tell. He felt Cain wrap an arm around him, guide him back towards the village.

"We'll get you home, then..."

"I want to go to home," Aaron cut him off, "to Paddy's."

"Alright, we'll go to Paddy's," Cain replied, looking at Paddy as he said it. Paddy nodded slightly, following closely behind them. Chas and Adam followed as well, leaving Hazel and Jackson behind on the bridge. The silence between them was painful.

"Mum..." Jackson called out; he needed her now more than ever. Hazel didn't move she knew Jackson needed comfort, but she couldn't bring herself to do it. He brought all this upon himself, maybe he didn't realise he would, but he did.

"What do you want me to say? I told you he couldn't cope with this, and once you're gone he will be too. He loves you Jackson, you'd have to be blind not to see it, but that boy has been through too much in his short life and you're asking him to just let you go. How did you think he would react? You know what his life's been like. You know how fragile he really is, you're probably the only person that knows the real him, how did you not know this would happen?"

Jackson didn't answer; he had been too consumed in his own plans to notice Aaron, _his Aaron_, slowly slipping away. How could he have been so stupid? How did he not see what was happening?

"I'm going to Smithy to check on him, to tell him that he was right all along. I'm sorry Jackson, but I can't do it. I won't do it, not now."

"Mum, please! I need you on my side!"

"Even now you want to go through with it? After everything that has happened you are still thinking about yourself? I know life is hard for you, that you aren't the same person you were before the accident, but that is because you have refused to let anyone help you. You think you have everything all figured out, but you don't have a clue about anything. That boy loves you with his whole heart, he would give you the moon if he could, and he just about ended his life because he can't bear the thought of being without you...and you are still thinking about suicide! My son, _my Jackson_, would never ever hurt someone like that."

"Your Jackson isn't here anymore! He died in that train crash!"

"Don't say that, don't you ever say that! He's still in there somewhere, buried under all that self loathing and hatred, but you are too stubborn to give him a chance to come out! You have choices Jackson, maybe now you should think about making the right one before its too late."

"Too late for whom?" He yelled at her. He could hear the earth crunching under her feet as she walked away, "Too late for whom? MUM!"


	4. Chapter 4

_Thanks again for all the reviews! Hope you all enjoy this chapter! -a_

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><p>The walk back to Smithy seemed to take ages. He knew that passersby were watching him, whispering about him, but he didn't care. Not anymore. They could think what they like. He just needed to get back to Smithy, the only place he ever felt safe and loved. His gaze fell on Dale Head; he felt a sharp, stabbing pain in his heart as all the memories of what Jackson had been planning reverberated through his head. The thought of watching Jackson's video diary came crashing to the forefront; if he'd never watched it...Jackson would still be pretending, lying to everyone. And Hazel! How could she be so stupid? How could his own mum agree to something like...like <em>that?<em>

He promised Jackson he would stand by him, try and accept his choices, but he couldn't. It had taken an insurmountable toll on him. The final straw was two days ago, Jackson had been quieter than normal, then after tea he started talking about the research he'd done. He was trying to find a peaceful way to go. There was a small tinge of excitement to his voice, like he was actually looking forward to it. Aaron couldn't take it, he left. He avoided Jackson's calls and anyone who _wanted to help_. He walked around the village, the farm lands, everywhere all night. He finally returned to Dale Head the following afternoon, ignoring Debbie and Cain as he stomped past the garage. Jackson wasted no time at berating him for making him worry. Aaron gave a solemn apology, one Jackson readily accepted, eager to move on.

Aaron was withdrawn the rest of the night. He sat in the chair in the corner, staring vacantly out the window. His mind was buzzing, thoughts of losing Jackson, being alone for the rest of his life, the future they wouldn't have. He knew he couldn't watch another person he loves leave him, maybe if he wasn't around anymore Jackson would stay. He was awake the entire night thinking it over, watching Jackson sleep, wishing and praying for him to be happy. The next day Jackson started in again about the research he'd done, and again Aaron left. He didn't stay away as long, but his demeanour was the same.

The next morning he left Dale Head early, before anyone was awake. He spent the night thinking about places to run away to, far away from Emmerdale, from Jackson. That wouldn't help; he knew he would come back. He started thinking about last April, when he sat in the car in the garage. How it felt when the fumes consumed him, he had never felt so free. He couldn't do that again, someone was always popping in and out. He walked past the garage, straight to the river, hoping for clarity. He got that when he saw the bridge, he didn't know if the fall would kill him, but he knew no one would find him for a while and by then...well, he'd be gone.

He didn't realise he'd been standing there that long, time seemed to be at a standstill. He didn't hear Jackson approach, he didn't want to see him...didn't want him to see what was going to happen.

He wanted to laugh and cry at the promises Jackson was making. He was angry at him for everything; wanting to leave him, promising to get help when he knew he wouldn't, that he needs him and loves him. He didn't believe any of it. He didn't know when he lost faith in Jackson, probably around the time he found out the truth, when Jackson tried to keep up pretences.

He was even angrier when Cain and Adam saved him. How were they always around? He wanted to lash out at them, at anyone really, but all the fight was gone. He truly believed he had nothing to live for, and if Jackson went through with his plan he wouldn't.

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><p>After what seemed like an eternity he was back in Smithy, being placed on a chair at the dining table, someone pressing a hot cup of tea in his hands. He didn't want it, he wanted to curl up in his bed and never wake up. He thought about the bed, the night Jackson stayed over. He didn't want to, but Aaron had managed to convince him. He was so happy that night, happier than he'd been in a while. At the time he didn't realise just how far gone Jackson was, how unhappy he was with life. What if they never had nights together again? He pushed the thought from his mind, it was no longer an <em>if<em> but a _when_. When would be the last time he saw Jackson alive?

Everyone around him was making idle chatter, no one had broached the conversation from earlier, but he could tell they wanted to. He wanted to forget about it. He wanted to forget everything. He stared into the cup of tea, feeling the warmth spread through his hands, every other part of him felt cold, numb. He didn't notice Paddy sit next to him, only when he took the tea away did he look at the older man. One look was all it took, he broke down into tears. Paddy said nothing, just pulled him into a hug. It broke his heart to see Aaron, _his son_, like this. He wished with all his might that he could take his pain away.

He could hear Pearl and Rhona approaching from the surgery, even more people he wanted to avoid. They were laughing and talking about baby stuff, completely oblivious to the sombre atmosphere in the kitchen. They fell silent when they saw everyone there and the glum looks on their faces.

"What's happened? It's not Jackson is it?" Rhona asked full of concern.

Just the mention of his name made Aaron tense; he pushed Paddy away roughly, clambering up the stairs to the safety of his room. He slammed the door behind him, locking it so no one could get in, then he set about methodically tearing apart his room. It didn't take long for his mum and Paddy to knock on the door, begging him to unlock it, to let them in. He could tell by their voices they were scared of what he might do. Right now he needed to release his anger, and completely devastating his room was the only way he knew how.

He picked up a picture off the bedside table. It was his favourite picture, one of him and Jackson in Lanzarotte. He remembered the exact moment they took it, the sun was just setting and the sky was a beautiful shade of pink. The waves were crashing along the beach behind them, the spray of the water hitting their backs making them shiver. Jackson took the mick out of Aaron for jumping around after the first splash, holding his sides as he laughed, only to catch the full brunt of cold water as Aaron splashed him. He chased him around the beach, finally catching him, his breath caught as Aaron pulled him in for a kiss. He pulled away with the biggest smile, one that Aaron mirrored perfectly. Jackson had pulled out his phone then, wanting to take a picture to send to Hazel. He said it was to let her know they were fine, but Aaron knew he wanted to rub in the fact that they were on a white sandy beach while she was enjoying the colder, dreary weather in the village.

They were so happy then. Whenever he needed to feel better he always looked at that picture, but now it was like a stab to the heart. He threw the frame at the wall, watching the glass shatter to the floor. He didn't feel better, instead he felt worse for throwing away something so priceless to him. He walked over to the broken remains, reaching down he pulled the picture from the shards of glass, not feeling as the glass sliced his hands. It was still in perfect condition. He drew his thumb lightly over Jackson's face, trying to memorise every last inch of it, that is how he wanted to remember Jackson. Happy, smiling, carefree...alive.


	5. Chapter 5

_Thanks for the reviews! I'm trying to work on making it happy but it's taking a bit of time and I find it easier to write angst for some reason. Hope you all like it! -a_

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><p>Hazel hesitated outside the door of Smithy Cottage, she wanted to check Aaron was alright, but now stood outside she bottled it. She knew she would get a frosty reception from most, if not all, of the people inside. Chas would especially give her grief, they like to butt heads at every turn. It didn't concern her, not really, she would check on Aaron, tell him that she had changed her mind, then leave him be. It sounded simple enough in her head. In the end she couldn't do it, she had no right to be there. She turned to walk away, she needed to get Jackson back home, perhaps she should apologise for her outburst. Then again she wasn't sorry she said it, he needed to hear it.<p>

Chas stepped outside to see Hazel making her way down the path, part of her wanted to scream at her for what her son was doing to Aaron, but she had been in her shoes before. She remembered the pain and anguish when Aaron tried to kill himself, she wouldn't wish that on her worst enemy.

"Hazel," She called as she jogged down to meet her. Hazel couldn't look her in the eye, not after what happened.

"I'm not stopping. I just wanted to know how Aaron was doing. I know I have no right to ask that, but I care about him. You probably don't believe that, but it's true. If I wouldn't have been so caught up with Jackson's...well, issues I could have seen that Aaron needed help. I could have told you or Paddy. I'm so sorry." She began to weep, not able to stop the flow of tears. To her surprise Chas pulled her into a hug, it didn't last long but it helped. She didn't feel quite so alone at the moment.

"He's locked himself in his room, torn it up from the sound of it. He won't talk to any of us, which is no surprise it is Aaron after all. He is so out of it, crying one minute and tearing his room apart the next. All it took was one mention of Jackson and off he went. I'm scared he may try something again."

They descended into silence, not an uncomfortable one, but neither knew what to say. There were no words of comfort now.

"How's uh, how's Jackson?" Chas asked breaking the silence.

"Honestly? I don't even see my Jackson in there anymore. It's like looking at a complete stranger. He's so determined to go through with his plan, even now." She sighed heavily; it felt good to finally talk to someone. "I told him a few home truths, but I'm not sure it did any good. He's as stubborn as they come, when he sets his mind to something well that's it. I'm sorry he did this, that he pushed Aaron this far. I told him he couldn't cope with it, I couldn't cope with it, but he was sure he could convince him that this was the only way. If...If something would have happened to him...to Aaron...I will never forgive myself for letting it get this far."

"So what are you going to do now?" Chas asked, nodding towards Dale Head. Hazel looked up to see Jackson sitting outside the door, waiting to be let in.

"I'm going to get him some help, proper help. He may hate me, but at least he'll be alive to do it."

* * *

><p>"How is he?" Jackson asked as soon as Hazel was near.<p>

"How do you think?" She didn't try to hide the anger and disappointment in her voice; she was well beyond that point.

"Mum, can you just talk to me please?"

"Fine, we'll talk. According to Chas Aaron is completely out of it. He's trashed his room, after locking himself in there...alone, where he could do anything. She's terrified that he will try again. So am I. The way he was on that bridge...Jackson we did that to him."

"I didn't know he would react like that did I? It's not like I did it on purpose!"

"Did you even bother to look at him? Did you hear me when I told you he couldn't cope with this? Did you hear him? I have never seen someone so broken, not even you after your accident. But Aaron..." She didn't finish the sentence, she knew Jackson understood. She was done talking, it was time for action. She grabbed the phone and made for the stairs.

"Who are you calling?" Jackson asked an edge of fear in his tone.

"You're father. Then we are going to sit down and find you some proper help."

"NO! You can't do that! Please mum!"

"Oh yeah? Stop me." With that she made her way upstairs, there was no more time to waste. Jackson needs help and he needs it now.

* * *

><p>He's not sure what made him do it, one minute he was staring at the picture from Lanzarote, the next he was pulling out his mobile and calling Jackson. He didn't know what to say. That he hated him? That he never wanted to see him again? It would all be lies. Truth was he just needed to hear his voice, even after everything Jackson was still the only person who could calm him down.<p>

Jackson answered after one ring but didn't say anything. His life was falling apart around him and he couldn't stop it. The silence drew on too long, he couldn't take it anymore.

"Aaron..." What now? What was there to say? He heard his mum moving around upstairs, thought about what she was doing, felt a sense of dread wash over him. "Mum's calling me dad, and then they are going to get me help. Does that make you happy? It means I'll be stuck in the useless body for even longer. But at least I'll be alive eh?"

Aaron didn't speak, but Jackson could hear him crying on the other end. His heart broke just a little more. How did they get here? They had good moments, happy moments. How did things progress this far? When did they become so unhappy?

"Do you hate me?" Aaron finally asked pulling Jackson from his thoughts.

That was the last thing he expected Aaron to ask, it was like a shot to the heart. He could hear the uncertainty in his voice as he asked. Of course he didn't hate him, he never could.

"Oh Aaron...I love you, I always have. But I hate myself; I'm no good to anyone."

"Yes you are. Jackson, I need you."

"I need you too. You have to promise me you won't do that again. Please promise me Aaron."

"I can't. I'm sorry Jackson but if you...when you...when you're gone I have nothing. I can't go on without you."

"If I promise to get help, _really _get help, will you promise not to do anything like that again?"

Jackson held his breath as he waited for an answer. If he could just convince Aaron that things would be alright then maybe one day, one day soon, he would see that he can't live like this. He hated lying to him, but he needed him to be safe. He needed him to live. He knew it was selfish, but the thought of a world with no Aaron Livesy...he couldn't fathom that.

The beeping of his phone pulled him from his thoughts, Aaron had ended the call. He stared blankly at the screen. Was that Aaron's way of saying goodbye? Was he going to do something else? He was locked in his room his mum said, he could do anything. His mind was racing, conjuring up scenario after scenario of things Aaron could do.

"MUM! MUM!" Jackson yelled the pain in his voice palpable.

"What is it?" Hazel replied rushing down the stairs. She wanted to ignore him, let him suffer just a little, but the urgency in his voice...the sadness, it was too much.

"I have to get to Smithy. NOW!"

"What's happened? Is it Aaron?"

"He just phoned, he...I'm scared mum. I can't lose him."

"But it's alright for him to lose you is it?"

"Just open the door! Please!"


	6. Chapter 6

_Not even gonna lie...I had a hard time writing this and even teared up by the time I got to the end. I hope you like it. And thanks for the reviews! So happy to know that I'm not the only one liking the angst. -a_

* * *

><p>Hazel did as she was asked. She moved around Jackson's chair, slowly opening the door. Jackson nudged the head rest of his chair propelling the wheels forward. He cursed the slowness of it; he had precious little time to get to Aaron.<p>

_It goes from 0 to 60 in 6...weeks,_ he thought to himself. The smile and laugh that Aaron gave him was...well, it was the most beautiful sight and sound in the world. Now look at him, he's a shell of a person.

He manoeuvred his chair down the ramp, still cursing the slow pace, finally touching onto the road to Smithy. He could see Betty watching him intently, hoping to get the latest gossip he was sure. Many people were watching him...did they know already? Did someone tell them about his plans?

"Jackson..." Jackson had been so worried about what people were thinking he failed to notice Aaron making his way towards him. He looked up in to his blue eyes, his heart stopped. Aaron looked so different, like he was enveloped in a cloud of pain and despair. It was down to him, he knew it was.

His eyes travelled down, not able to look at his face anymore. He caught sight of something clutched in Aaron's hand, but the blood that was dripping off his fingers held more importance.

"Aaron, what have you done? Please tell me you didn't..." He couldn't say it.

He looked at Aaron again, really looked at him...what had he done? This wasn't his Aaron standing in front on him. He had taken this beautiful man and corrupted him; corrupted him with his talk of suicide, his failure to tell him that he loved him, his lack of sympathy towards him. He ignored his pleas to seek help, to live for them. _He ignored him_. He had managed to convince Aaron that suicide was the only way out of this suffering. Now Aaron was here, having just been pulled from the edge of a bridge, a bridge he fully intended on jumping from, with blood trickling down his hands from god knows what kind of cut. Aaron had listened to him, taken his words to heart, and then put them in motion. He almost killed the best thing in his life and he was still going to put him through that pain again. Maybe they were right, maybe he did need help. What kind of person would lie to someone so fragile? He would, maybe he was the monster.

He had managed to convince his mum to help him, begged and pleaded until she couldn't say no. That alone is a monstrous act, but to keep lying to Aaron? Now? After what had happened. And what would he do once Jackson was gone? He would keep trying to end his life until he succeeded. Jackson couldn't bear the thought of that. He loved Aaron too much to prolong his suffering. He couldn't end it though; he had tried and failed many times, they we're always going to be together.

Aaron held out the item he had been clutching, it was the photo from Lanzarote, one of the happiest days of his life. "When I look at this and those pictures from Whitby I don't just see a guy having fun. When I look at you now I don't see the wheelchair. Never have. All I see is the man that made me a better person. The man that makes me feel whole and loved. The man that I would die for if it meant he was safe. I see the love of my life Jackson. Why can't you see the wonderful, loving man that everyone else sees?"

"Aaron...that man isn't here anymore. You know how I feel about this chair and this body...I can't be the man you need me to be. It's too hard."

"He is there, I know he is. If you would just take a chance and get help you could find him. I'm begging you Jackson please don't do it, don't end your life."

"If I do this, if I get help, will you do the same? You need to talk to someone, what you did...Aaron that isn't right. I shouldn't have pushed you that far. I should have listened to what you were saying when you said you couldn't handle it. I was just so focused on myself and my inadequacies, I didn't want help. I know you can't understand it, and I'm not asking you to, but I still think this is the only way for me."

"So that's it? You're not even going to try?"

"I have tried, but it's too hard."

"You haven't. You've not looked into to any kind of help, you just think you have it all figured out but you don't. "

"Do you know what it felt like when you told everyone what I was going to do?" Aaron shook his head. "First I felt betrayed...but then it was relief. I was relieved that you told them because I knew they could look out for you. I knew they could keep you safe. Aaron I never wanted you to suffer, not like this. I just thought...I thought you would grieve for a bit and move on. I'm your first boyfriend..."

"Just shut up will ya. You make it sound like that's all you are. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I could never move on. I wouldn't want to."

"Yes you could. Maybe not soon after, but in six months or a year. You could be happy again."

"What about you eh? What if you could be happy again?"

"No. No, that will never happen. I can never be happy, not really, not when I can't do anything for myself. I'm not like Steve; I'm not strong enough for a life like this."

Aaron felt like the wind had been knocked out of him. No matter what he said, no matter what he did Jackson wouldn't change his mind. How could he give up so easily? He didn't understand that. He didn't understand any of this. What kind of life would he have once Jackson was gone? He knew he wouldn't meet anyone else, he wouldn't allow himself to meet anyone else. He could go back to his old ways, back to the hot-head who used his fists without question. He could get sent down, be in and out of prison for the rest of his life. He could drink himself into oblivion. It didn't matter, it's not like his life would be complete...not without Jackson.

There was nothing left to say, at least nothing that hadn't been said a million times before. His mind was made up and as much as he wanted to change it he couldn't. He knew that now. Aaron slowly raised his left hand, cupping Jackson's face caressing the stubble under his thumb. He let his hand linger for a moment before slipping it behind Jackson's neck, slowly pulling him into a kiss. It was a slow kiss, full of everything Aaron couldn't say. It was a kiss to convey his love and devotion, to show him that he was his whole world.

He pulled away, resting his forehead on Jackson's. He could feel the tears falling onto his cheeks, the lump in his throat growing as the sadness of the moment overwhelmed him. He had to be strong...just for a little longer.

Jackson kept his eyes closed after the kiss. He didn't want to break the spell. He was crying he knew Aaron was as well. Everything they had been through, all the up and downs, had finally culminated into this one perfect moment. He felt happy. For the first time in months he felt truly happy. He felt a smile dance across his lips. Slowly he opened his eyes, blinking away the tears so he could see Aaron. His smile faltered. It wasn't just a kiss to show him how much he loved him or a silent acceptance of what he was going to do. He knew when he looked into those beautiful blues eyes...it was a goodbye kiss. Aaron was saying goodbye.


	7. Chapter 7

Aaron stood up slowly, his hand tracing the outline of Jackson's jaw as he did. He caught Jackson's eye for the briefest of moments, a low sob escaping his lips as he turned and walked away. He had to force his feet to move, will himself to leave so he could fall apart. He didn't want Jackson see him break, not again.

"Aaron..." Jackson was dumbfounded. This is not how he wanted things to happen. He thought about it day and night, imagined his last night on earth in such detail he could tell you about it in one breath, but Aaron had always been there. Aaron would lie beside him in the bed, hold him in his arms, tell him he loves him, kiss him goodbye and then he would drift off into an eternal sleep. It was wishful thinking, he knew that, but he hoped Aaron would come round.

That day when he tried to end things Aaron had said he would be there at the end, he believed him. Things weren't perfect, how could they be, be they were going forward. They had small pockets of happiness, moments where things seemed normal again. That all changed when he started talking about his research. It was the elephant in the room and they had done a fine job of ignoring it, but he couldn't go on any longer. Hazel and Aaron did their best to stall. He knew they needed that...more time with him, more time to change his mind. Nothing would. So he mentioned it and Aaron legged it. He stayed awake the entire night worrying. He heard Hazel pacing her room hours after she said she was going to bed, that made him worry even more.

When Aaron came home the next day Jackson was relieved, then angry. Aaron stammered through an apology, and he accepted it. Like a fool he convinced himself it was just a one off, Aaron would be fine. He didn't mention it again the rest of the night after noticing Aaron in a world of his own. He thought it best to leave it for now. When he mentioned it the next day he was surprised when Aaron left again. He wanted to believe everything was sorted between them, that when Aaron agreed to stay he would listen to him, talk about how he wanted things to go. He still wasn't ready, but Jackson decided it couldn't be put off any longer. The quicker it was done the better everything would be. Aaron could start moving on with his life, his mum could get back to her travelling, and he would be gone...no longer a burden to those around him. What could go wrong?

"Aaron please," Jackson pleaded. He had no idea what to say. Was Aaron saying goodbye to him or for himself? He couldn't tell. What if it was the latter? He couldn't cope with that. He couldn't imagine not seeing him ever again. What if he woke up tomorrow and he was gone? This is how Aaron had been feeling, is feeling. How did he live with the fear? Jackson had only been dealing with it for what, a few hours? It was suffocating.

* * *

><p>"Hazel, of all the idiotic things to come out of your mouth, and believe me there have been plenty, you want me to believe this?" Jerry Walsh was standing opened mouthed in the front room of Dale Head. When Hazel had called earlier in a state he dropped everything and rushed over. He couldn't believe what he was hearing, what Hazel was saying was just...just ludicrous. He'd only just seen Jackson two days ago he seemed fine, a bit down but that was to be expected. How did he jump from slightly depressed to suicidal in a matter of days?<p>

"He was fine not two days ago," Jerry added still trying to get his head round all this.

"He was putting on an act Jerry, has done for months. He isn't happy. I would have been none the wiser if it weren't..." Hazel stopped short of mentioning Aaron. Jerry has never been his biggest fan and telling him about Aaron's intrusion into Jackson's private videos wouldn't help matters.

"I was worried about him," She said changing direction, "so I watched his video diary. It was wrong I know, so don't go giving me a lecture. Jerry the things he said on there...it broke my heart to see him like that. He's given up. He didn't want you to know because he didn't think you would understand."

"Oh and you do?" Jerry snapped.

"Of course not! But I couldn't sit by and watch him suffer could I? Do you know what it's like for him? I don't, he's tried telling me but I had myself convinced that Aaron and I could change his mind."

"Aaron knows? How long?"

"What?"

"How long have you known he's felt this way?"

Hazel sighed. She knew he would ask, didn't mean she was ready to answer. She had to, she's already wasted too much time trying to help Jackson on her own, they had to get him help now.

"A while," She answered not able to look Jerry in the eye. She could feel him staring, waiting for an exact amount of time. "Since March," she relented.

"MARCH? And you're just telling me this?"

"Something happened, something that should have made Jackson see sense but it didn't. He needs help Jerry."

"What happened? Did he try something?"

"No, it wasn't him...it was Aaron."

"If he did anything to my boy I will kill him," Jerry raged as he made his way to the door.

"Jerry stop! He didn't do anything to Jackson! He...he..."

"WHAT?"

"He tried to kill himself!"

"What?" Jerry whispered, shock clearly taking over.

"Aaron, he tried...Jackson found him ready to jump from a bridge. He hasn't been coping with things. We didn't realise he was that bad off. I should have listened to him. I should have done something..."

Jerry stared at her in disbelief. He had never been able to accept Jackson's declaration that he was gay, was less than enthusiastic at meeting that 'chav' in the hospital, and still had issues with all of it. He could never accept that two men could love each other, and he never thought Aaron would be capable of loving anyone. He'd watched them over the last few months and could tell that they did love each other. He was especially shocked at how easily he could see the love Aaron had for Jackson. He could tell that he loved him with every fibre of his being. It was something he always wished for Jackson and now he had it. He still wasn't comfortable with it, but he was adjusting. And he was grateful...to Aaron for loving his Jackson unconditionally. But this...this he couldn't understand.

"Why?" That seemed to be the only thing that would come out, everything else was a jumbled mess in his brain that had no chance of making it out of his mouth.

"In Whitby Jackson was happy, really happy...then he sat us down and told us nothing had changed. It broke Aaron's heart. Then he," Hazel hesitated knowing full well Jerry would not take this well. "He ended up talking me round."

She was sobbing now, trying to work out the best way to say this. She was fooling herself, there was no easy way.

"I agreed...I agreed to help him." She was crying harder now. "I agreed to help our son die."

"You what?" Jerry was stunned to say the least. He couldn't have heard right.

"I couldn't bear to see him like that. So unhappy and broken, it was killing me."

"So you thought killing him would help?" Jerry started pacing around the lounge, trying to gain some sense of calm. How could he? Hazel just admitted to...he couldn't even think it.

Hazel winced at the word, he sounded like Aaron. _It sounds great when you take the word KILL out of it_, the sentence echoed in her head. She never thought of it like that, but they were right...she was going to kill him.

"He's not staying here. There is no way my son is going to be under the same roof as you for a minute longer!"

"Oh that's rich! He wasn't your son up until October if you recall. Took him nearly dying before you came round! Least I was there for him!"

"And how does being there for him turn to murder? Why would you even consider it? He should have been straight to a counsellor when you found out!"

"Don't you think I know that now? Don't you think I hate myself for what I was going to do?"

"Not as much as I hate you for it!" Jerry made for the door. Jackson was going straight to a counsellor or a therapist or...anywhere that could help. He didn't care. He could hate him, wouldn't be the first time, but he was not going to let him die.


	8. Chapter 8

6 months...6 months of staring at these pale green walls. 6 months of talking about every emotion and feeling he's had in the last year. 6 months of routine and structure, of no contact with family...with Aaron. It was doing his head in. The only thing getting him through was the thought of seeing Aaron again, talking to him, wishing he could hold him. He didn't even know how he was. The way they left things...well, he couldn't dwell on that. His counsellor told him not to over think the past, things happen that can't be changed...but this, this he had to change. He lay awake at night thinking back to the day in June. He almost lost Aaron...he did loose Aaron. He had to make things right.

_(6 months ago)_

Jackson was in the middle of the street staring blankly at Smithy Cottage. Aaron had made it to the foot path before collapsing to the ground. He watched as he broke down in tears, watched as Paddy and Chas rushed to pick him up off the ground. He watched as they practically had to drag him inside, unable to bear his own weight through the gut wrenching cries. Now he just watched the door, hoping and praying that someone would come out and tell him that everything was fine...that Aaron was fine.

He could hear people talking behind him, gossiping about what had happened, but the words didn't penetrate his ears. The only sound he could hear was his heart screeching to a halt. In that moment everything ceased to exist. He knew it was now or never, if he didn't do it now he would bottle it. He turned his chair around, ignoring everyone as he passed; he had to get back to Dale Head...this was it.

He was about to yell for his mum when the door swung open and he was met with a very angry looking Jerry Walsh. The look in his eyes softened when he saw Jackson. Jackson was surprised; he hadn't even noticed his father's car. Surprise gave way to fear as he remembered why he was here.

Jerry stepped out of the way to allow Jackson to get through, he hadn't quite worked out what he wanted to say to his son...their relationship was still fragile and he didn't want to say something that would undo all the hard work. He had little time to think, but managed to come up with something. Jackson cut across him, not allowing either of his parents to speak.

"I know you can't understand what I'm going through or how I'm feeling...I have a lot of time to think and all I think about is a way out. I don't like sitting on the sidelines, never have. And I don't like having to have a carer. I don't like any of it."

"Jackson," Jerry interrupted, hoping to talk some sense into him.

"Let me finish please. I can't imagine living like this for the next 50 years, having no privacy, not being able to do anything for myself ever again. It's too hard and it hurts too much...not physically obviously, but in my heart, my soul. It's killing me. The only thing that hurts more than this is what I've done to Aaron. I've destroyed him, and I almost killed him. If I woke up tomorrow and found out that he was...that he was dead...I couldn't handle it. I've made a decision and you can either help me or not."

"Jackson no! You can't, not after what's happened." Hazel eyes were brimming with tears...he was going to do it, no matter what he was determined to end his life. It was too much. She looked to Jerry for help but he was stood there...was he crying? Jerry never cried.

"There's a place in London...a clinic...it's for spinal injury victims. I'd like to go...get some proper help."

"What?" Hazel and Jerry asked in shocked unison.

"It's not cheap, but I have some money saved and we can get some support, not much but..."

"I don't care what it costs; I'll sell the business if I have to." Jerry said looking at Jackson with a fierce gaze, one that showed he would do whatever it takes.

"What brought this on?" Hazel asked, immediately regretting it...she didn't care the reasons, she was just happy he was going to do it.

"Aaron," Jackson answered simply. "I saw him before...he was saying goodbye but I'm not sure who for. I love him too much to put him through this. He deserves better than that. He stuck by me after all this," He said gesturing towards his lifeless body, "loved me when I hated myself, and has done everything to try and convince me that I have something to live for...even when I thought I didn't. But now I know that I do...I have a life with him to live for and I'm not giving that up without a fight."

"When do you want to go?"

"Now," Jackson stated looking to his parents for support.

"I'll pack you a bag," Jerry said as he made he was to the stairs.

"Mum, I need to tell Aaron. I can't just leave, not when he's like this. He'll think...I don't want that. I want him to know that I'm doing this for him, for us."

Hazel smiled down at Jackson before moving to open the door. Jackson didn't hesitate.

The tension in Smithy was high. Everyone was on edge wondering what Aaron was thinking, what he was doing. Paddy and Chas had managed to get him inside, but the weight of the day's events proved too much for him as he collapsed again at the bottom of the stairs. They tried to help him up but he pushed them away, yelling abuse at them as he did. He didn't know what he was saying, could have been gibberish for all he knew, but it got them to leave him be. They didn't go far; he could hear the hushed whispers from the kitchen. He didn't care, nothing they could say could hurt him more than he was. It wasn't just his heart that hurt, something deep inside of him felt broken...irreparable.

He mustered up all of his strength, hoping it was enough to tackle the stairs. He wanted to go back to his room, hide under the duvet until all this pain went away. He just managed the first step when there was a knock at the door. He knew who it was before he turned around. Even now after all the pain and agony his heart still flipped when he saw Jackson. His hand hovered above the handle; did he really want to talk again? He wasn't sure, but he could never deny Jackson. Paddy and Chas were in the doorway watching him, talking at him, he didn't listen. He opened the door, brown eyes meeting blue like it was the first time.

Aaron stared at Jackson for what seemed like an eternity, there was something different about him...he didn't seem as...he didn't know really. He felt a slight tug at his elbow, Paddy was trying to usher him away from the door. He didn't want to move, he wanted to stay lost in Jackson's eyes forever. Paddy was saying something, but it was all just white noise as he looked into those deep chocolate eyes. Chas shrill tones pulled him from his trance, the high-pitched voice was like a sharp slap to the face.

He was finding it difficult to find his voice, he seemed to forget how to speak, to breathe, to move when Jackson was near. It took Paddy and Cain to pull him away from the door, forcing him into one of the dining chairs. His mum was still talking but not to him, she was talking to Jackson. His mind felt fuzzy, the words incomprehensible...did she just tell him to leave? Was she having a go at him?

He was up and out of the chair before Cain and Paddy could react, pushing Chas bodily out of the way.

"Aaron, you need to stay away from him," Chas spoke in a soft soothing manner stepping between him and Jackson.

"Leave it mum," He said, pushing past her, slamming the door behind him.

"Aaron..." Jackson paused, he came to say goodbye...he _had_ to say goodbye. He had worked out what to say as he made his way to Smithy, but now looking into those eyes his well rehearsed speech failed him. He cleared his throat, trying to dislodge the lump that was building.

"I'm...I...I came to say goodbye," He stammered, not failing to notice the dejected slump in Aaron's shoulders. He took a deep breath to try and stem the tears. "I've made arrangements..." _Why is this so hard_, he thought to himself? He couldn't bring himself to look at Aaron, if he could just say what he needed to then he could look at him...maybe even see some hope in those beautiful eyes.

"There's a clinic in London, I'm going to get help. Me mum and dad are taking me now." Finally looking up he caught Aaron's eye; Aaron didn't hold his gaze. "I uh, I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I know I pushed you too far and I shouldn't have, but I was so set on...well you know. If something would have happened to you..." He was crying now, not able to stop the tears any longer. "I know you have no reason to believe me, but I am doing this for you. I'm doing this for us, so we can have a future."

"A future? A few hours ago you were set on topping yourself, now you want a future with me?" Aaron didn't know where the anger had come from, this is all he has wanted to hear, but now it was out he couldn't stop it. "I have been begging you for ages to get help, to let me help you, but no! You thought you had everything figured out. Why did you do this to me Jackson? I told you I couldn't take it." He could feel the fight leaving him, the anger subsiding...he didn't feel relieved at Jackson's admission, or happy.

"I know, and I'm really, really sorry. I just wanted you to know. I didn't want to leave without saying goodbye. I love you Aaron and I'm sorry." Jackson felt defeated; this is not how he thought things would go. He turned his chair around away from Aaron, he couldn't look at him anymore...the guilt was too much.

"I love you too," Aaron called out. Three little words, that's all Jackson needed to hear. He stepped in front of Jackson's chair, kneeling down to look him in the eye. "I'm sorry."

"What do you have to be sorry for?" Jackson asked, confusion marring his face.

"I thought if I wasn't around anymore...I couldn't hurt anybody else. I just ended up hurting everyone in there," he nodded in the direction of Smithy. "I hurt you and Hazel, but I hurt myself more. I lost myself in you, forgot what it was like to live. I want you to get help, I do. I want you to live, but I want you to want it. You can't do this because it's what I want, you have to want it too Jackson and...and I know you don't. Not really."

Jackson stayed silent after Aaron spoke, his words reverberating in his head. Aaron had finally mastered the art of reading him, knowing his inner most thoughts. He was right, he didn't want this...but he wanted Aaron.

"I'm sorry Jackson, but I can't do this anymore."

_Sorry this took so long! Life and all got in the way. Really wanting to start writing again, but I have writer's block like no one's business. Hope this doesn't suck too much! -a_


	9. Chapter 9

Chas sat at the kitchen table of Smithy Cottage, mouth agape and staring wide eyed at Aaron. She had to have misheard him, he couldn't have said that. She composed herself slightly, taking a deep breath to control the rage bubbling inside her.

"Aaron love, you need to think this through! You can't rush into something like this, now without considering every possible outcome. Has something happened?"

Aaron rolled his eyes at his mum. She was endearing in her own loud, crass way, but she still knew how to rile him up. She had been tip toeing around him for 6 months; putting up with every mood swing, maniacal tirade, and break down...all of it. It annoyed him. Every time he made a decision for himself she always told him to think things through, even if it was something as simple as what to have for breakfast. She was doing his head in with all her second guessing.

She didn't trust him; no one did, not anymore. He was never alone, someone always shadowing his every movement. Always trying to lull him into some trivial conversation to prevent his mind from straying, but it did. Every second of everyday _he_ was there, clouding every thought. He had to do this.

"Mum! I have thought about it...a lot. I'm going and nothing or no one will stop me. End of!"

"Son please, I'm begging you! I'll get down on my knees if I have to, just please stay away from him!" She reached out tentatively, taking Aaron's hand in her own, her eyes pleading with him. She saw the flash of anger in his eyes before he roughly pulled his hand away. Closing her eyes she heard the door slam shut and felt the watery sting of tears she become so accustomed to.

"Was that Aaron?" Paddy asked as he rushed in from the surgery. "What's happened?"

"Jackson is allowed visitors," Chas answered flatly. "Aaron is going to see him."

"What? Why?"

"Like he'd tell me. Oh Paddy, this is a mistake! He shouldn't be anywhere near him, not after what happened."

"I know, but you know what he's like. There is nothing we can do to stop him." Paddy let out an exasperated sigh. They had made progress the last few months, not a huge deal but for Aaron any amount was massive.

"What if nothing has changed? What if Jackson still feels the same way? What if he lures Aaron back in?'

"And breathe," Paddy laughed lightly. "We can't stop him, short of locking him in his room...NO!" Paddy added seeing the rise of Chas' eyebrows. "Maybe...maybe he needs this...for closure."

"If Jackson hurts him again, in any way, I'll kill him."

"He won't. Despite what happened Jackson loves him, you could see how hurt and upset he was. He blames himself for what happened with Aaron."

"As well he should! I know he wouldn't intentionally hurt him, and I know that he didn't see what was going on with Aaron, none of us did, but if he was like that once..."

"I know, but we'll have to let Aaron make his own decisions now. The counsellor said we had to make an effort too, not just Aaron. We have to start trusting him sometime."

"I know Paddy. It's just really hard right now."

* * *

><p>The last 4 hours had been the longest of his life. In 10 minutes he would have visitors, for the first time in 6 months he would get to see people that weren't doctors or other patients. He knew his mum and dad would be here, but there was only one person he wanted to see. If he showed up today it would prove that they have a chance, a way to bridge the canyon sized gap between them. He needed to see him, apologise for putting him through...well everything. Apologise for breaking him down, for destroying <em>his <em>Aaron. He hoped he was better, that he too got some help, that he wasn't that broken little boy he saw on the bridge anymore. If someone asked him what his biggest regret was he wouldn't say getting in his van and driving away that night, he would tell them it was destroying the love of his life. He would give anything to change that, he knew he couldn't, but he still help out hope that they could work things out.

"Jackson?" He was caught unaware, completely lost in his thoughts. He looked up to see his mum and dad smiling down at him. A huge smile broke across his face at the sight of them, it faltered when he noticed Aaron was missing.

"I told him," Hazel said, knowing instantly what Jackson wanted. "I'm not sure if he's coming."

"Oh," Jackson replied disheartened. He plastered on a grin, the best he could muster right now, "At least you two came."

"Of course we did," Jerry added, his eyes glistening with tears that had yet to fall. "How've you been?"

Jackson started telling them about the last 6 months, about the counselling sessions and group therapy, the naff food in the cafeteria, the one guy that wakes up every night screaming about the killer clowns that tore off his arms.

"He still has both his arms; just his legs don't wo..." He stopped talking; his heart skipped a beat as he saw two piercing blue eyes staring at him through the blinds.

"Jack..." Hazel started before noticing Aaron stood outside. A small smile played across her lips as she nudged Jerry towards the door. "We'll just grab a coffee from the naff cafeteria."

"We only just got here," Jerry protested, earning him a deathly glare from Hazel. "Suppose a cup of coffee would be nice." He added with a sarcastic smile.

Jackson could only nod, words failing him as he lost himself in those beautiful blue eyes.

Hazel practically pushed Jerry out the door. She knew Aaron and Jackson needed time alone to talk, to try and fix their broken relationship. She gave Aaron a reassuring squeeze to the arm before dragging Jerry towards the caff. She was confident they would find their way back to each other.


	10. Chapter 10

The silence was palpable, neither one able to voice the swirling maelstrom of emotions. They had both been dreaming of this day for the last six months, but now that it was here they were at a loss. Jackson was terrified that Aaron would run away, he had hesitated outside for what seemed like ages. He was surprised when he did enter, something mirrored in Aaron's face. The expression would have been laughable had it not been for the tension between them.

He had so many things he wanted to say, but now, faced with Aaron and those blues eyes that shone with hurt, he'd lost his bottle. He swallowed past the lump in his throat, trying in vain to gather some courage to tell him how sorry he was. He wanted to tell him he loves him, but those eyes...always betraying Aaron's tough persona. All he could see in them was anger, sadness, pain, regret. He no longer saw the love that usually captivated him. All at once the consequences of his actions hit him, escaping in heart wrenching cries.

He had hoped Aaron would come to him, comfort him, but he stood rooted to the spot. He composed himself slightly, daring to look at his broken lover again. He was stony faced and avoiding his gaze.

"You were right," Aaron finally spoke. "That day in the field when we spread Clyde's ashes, when you took me back. You said we were a disaster."

Jackson stared silently, never taking his eyes off Aaron as his tears fell freely. He'd come to end things, he knew that now.

"At the time I was only concerned for my wants and needs, not yours. I should have listened to you. I could have spared us a lot of hurt. I should have let you walk away but I didn't. I needed you so much. I felt like part of me was missing."

Jackson braced himself, knowing the next words out of Aaron's mouth would mean the end of their relationship. He knew it was a possibility, but had convinced himself that they could overcome everything. Now he'd lost his fight. He wanted Aaron to be happy and if that meant moving on with his life then he would let him.

"So much happened that I never thought possible. I was happy, truly happy for the first time in my life. I fell in love and had someone love me back. I never thought that would happen. I know I can take most, well all of the blame for our problems and fights. I'm a head wrecker and I hurt everything I touch. I never meant to hurt you."

Jackson was staring at him, confusion marring his face. Part of him wanted to yell at him, tell him to stop prolonging the inevitable. If he was going to end things he wanted him to do it and go, then he could break down.

"That day on the bridge I was so lost. I know you don't blame me for the accident, but I do. I always will. That guilt had been eating away at me since October, then you started talking about sui...suicide and I couldn't take it. After your mum and dad brought you here I lost it even more. I lashed out at everyone, tried to fight anyone who looked at me wrong, started hurting myself. My mum and Paddy forced me to see a counsellor. For the first time I talked about everything that has happened in my life and she didn't judge me or hate me for it. So I kept going and after every session I let go of a little more of the anger. It took a while before I could talk about you, then I did...I let go of all the anger and sadness, even some of the guilt. I told her about the pain I felt when I watched your video diary, when you started talking about you know, and she told me the only reason I would feel it so deeply was because I was so in love. She said I needed to let go of that love in order to heal."

Here it comes, Jackson thought to himself. He took a deep breath, exhaling slowly as he looked Aaron in the eye. He needed to see the finality there.

"She told me a love like ours was unhealthy. I told her to get stuffed." Aaron walked over to Jackson's chair, kneeling down in front of him. He reached out slowly, feeling the silky smooth skin of Jackson's hand before interlacing their fingers. "We were a disaster Jackson, but we were a beautiful disaster. I'm still in love with you and I will be until the day I die."

* * *

><p>"That's it!" Chas shouted as she stood up from the dining table.<p>

Paddy heaved an exasperated sigh as he grabbed her by the shoulders and forced her back in her chair.

"Paddy, I know you're only trying to help, but I will make sure you are never able to have children if you don't let me go."

"As painful as that sounds, I can't let you go. Sorry Chas, but you're stuck here."

Chas shot him a glare worthy of Aaron. "Used to that, I did live with the master of the scowl after all."

"He's been gone for ages!" She all but shouted.

"Yes, but he had to go to London. It's not like he popped into Hotten for the evening. Leave him be. I mean it Chas, he needs this."

"I know," she sighed, "but he doesn't need Jackson in his life. He's got us!"

Paddy had nothing to say, he agreed with her. After that day on the bridge he wanted Aaron as far away from Jackson as possible. In the end, and countless talks with Aaron's counsellor, he knew that the decision was not up to him. It had to be Aaron's choice to stay away.

"Listen," he said as he sat in the chair next to Chas. "He's listened to his counsellor about everything else, so maybe he will end things like she suggested."

"Paddy?" Rhona called from the stairs. "Has Aaron done a mass washing?"

"No," He sniggered. "Why?"

"Most of his clothes are gone," she said as she made her way into the kitchen with Leo cradled in her arms. "I went to put away some things and his wardrobe has been emptied out."

"He didn't have anything with him when he left...you don't think..."

"What?" Chas demanded.

"He kept going to his car last night, must've made three trips at least." Paddy stood from his chair and started pacing the kitchen. He ran his hand worriedly over his shaven head. "He's runaway!"


	11. Chapter 11

Jerry paced from chair to window, stopping briefly to scowl at the scene unfolding inside Jackson's room. He'd still not come to terms with having a gay son, far from it, but he came so close to losing his eldest son that he pushed it to the back of his mind trying not to think on it. It was only when he saw _it_ in person that all those feelings of disgust came rushing back to the forefront. He actually let slip a groan as he saw Aaron hold Jackson's hand in his before pressing a tender kiss to his forehead. Not even the bright, beaming smile that eclipsed Jackson's face could wipe the scowl off his face.

He wanted nothing more than for his son to be happy and healthy something that seemed foreign just a few short months ago, but he also wanted him to be normal...and _this_ was definitely not normal. Sometimes, when the thought of having not just a paralyzed son but a _gay_ paralyzed son became too much, he thought how much better off he might have been if he'd never known of his thoughts of suicide. What if Aaron had never faltered and Hazel would have gone along with Jackson's plan? He thought that just maybe Jackson would have been better off; surely a short happy life was better than a life spent in a chair with some hooligan in some abnormal relationship?

He chastised himself for ever thinking such things. He should be happy that Jackson is alive and well, that he is happy and full of life. Maybe one day he could get to that point, he could be happy for his son and partner, but today wasn't that day and he still harboured resentment for Aaron. In his mind Aaron was to blame for all this, and the sooner he was out of Jackson's life the better.

The high shrill ring of Hazel's mobile pulled him from his thoughts. He tried to block out her boisterous blabbering, as if that were remotely possible he thought with a laugh. Even after all their years apart he could tell from the inflection in her voice that she was worried, bordering on frantic, and god knows they didn't need any more drama in their lives. He heard her say her goodbyes, determinedly trying not to acknowledge her sudden panic. He didn't need to as she rushed past him into Jackson's room, breaking up the loving moment that still left him uneasy.

All three men stared at her as if she were crazy as she ranted on and on, seemingly have two conversations – one with them and one with herself. He wanted to laugh at her, but he could remember from their time together that you **did not** laugh at Hazel Rhodes when she was in one of her moods. Instead he tried to piece together what he could from her fragmented tirade, none of it making sense. Something about Chas, he rolled his eyes as he thought of the brash woman. Then there was something about a car.

"Bloody hell Hazel!" Jerry shouted, rubbing away the headache that was forming, "What are you on about?"

Hazel turned to him, grimacing before turning back to Aaron and Jackson with an exasperated sigh.

"Chas just rang...Aaron's runaway," she said pointedly.

All eyes focused on Aaron, who looked like he wanted to shrink away to nothing. He looked at Jerry, who was staring at him with a small smirk as if he knew he would bring trouble with him. Then to Hazel who was waiting for an explanation, before turning his attention to Jackson. His brows furrowed as he looked at Jackson, at the strange sparkle in his eye, and then furrowed more when he burst out laughing. He couldn't stop the smile that spread across his face if you paid him. Finally, after what seemed like a small eternity, here was _his_ Jackson laughing and smiling and that made him smile even more. He couldn't help himself, he didn't give a second thought that they weren't alone, as he leaned in to press a gentle kiss to Jackson's smiling lips. Breaking away, he moved his lips to Jackson's ear.

"I'm not leaving without you," he whispered.

Jackson's eyes sparkled again as he looked into the hypnotizing blue of Aaron's. He could see the love and promise of forever in them. He studied his face, trying to memorize this moment for all eternity. He could think on this moment whenever he was down, whenever he thought all of _this_ wasn't worth it. He knew it was; Aaron was always worth it.

* * *

><p>"I told you that counsellor was no use!" Chas screeched. Paddy just nodded, not taking his eyes off the road as she continued her rant. "And that car Paddy, really? I told you that it was a bad idea!"<p>

It had been the same incessant rambling since they started their journey nearly 4 hours earlier. He was exhausted from listening to her, trying to keep them both calm, and making the drive to London. He let out a sigh of relief as he spotted the sign of the hospital a few metres ahead.

Chas barely let the car come to a complete stop before bolting out of the door and into the hospital. He always wondered how she could move so fast on such high heels. Shrugging, he parked up the car and made his way to the main door. Before it even opened he could hear Chas yelling at some unsuspecting nurse, demanding Jackson's room number. The nurse seemed unfazed at the outburst, stating simply that she couldn't give out that information. Before Chas could get started again he saw Hazel approach and swiftly pulled Chas away. He wasn't able to stop her from yelling a sarcastic thank you at the nurse however.

He followed silently along, letting the two women talk, both voicing their opinion on the matter at hand while trying to come up with a course of action that didn't scare Aaron off. He let them plot, knowing that when the time came he would step in and be the voice of reason like so many times before. Although, if he was honest, he had no idea how to handle this situation. Aaron was an adult, by all rights, and any stipulations regarding his treatment and care had lapsed, so the most they could do was talk to him and make him see sense. He was only allowed a month's reprieve from his own hospital; he was supposed to go to counselling and slowly adjust to the real world before he would be completely signed off. Paddy sighed as he thought of how much this would set back Aaron's recovery. He didn't think he could do another round in care, he knew how much Aaron hated it. He also knew the reason Aaron stayed, something he never shared with Chas, and that reason was sat in a wheelchair in front of him.

He had to blink his eyes a few times before he actually believed what he saw. He felt like he'd stepped back in time as he looked on at the two boys. Even Chas had stopped her squawking at the sight. Both Aaron and Jackson were laughing and smiling, too caught up in their own world to know that anyone had approached. Aaron held Jackson's hand tightly as he leaned in to whisper something in his ear. Whatever it was made Jackson's impossibly large smile larger, which in turn made Aaron's smile grow. He heard a small sob escape Chas, and when he looked up he saw both her and Hazel with tears in their eyes. This is what they had been waiting for, this is what all the hospital stays and counselling had been for...this moment of pure unadulterated happiness.

He nudged the two women softly, nodding for them to leave the boys to their moment. They deserved this, after all the heartache and heartbreak they deserved this.


End file.
